ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
You Might Also Like
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Pandas 🐼🖤
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.