I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator