“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭