I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
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Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.