[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
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*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.