HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
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People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle