WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?