If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary