I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop