FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
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Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Somebody’s lying.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Put a ring on it
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?