At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
got so much cardio in today
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My diet was going really well until I woke up.