Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
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Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside