I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!