I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
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APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…