Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work