Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
You Might Also Like
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Worst Native American name ever.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.