The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”