Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
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Stop it! 😂
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Worst perfume name ever.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.