Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
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if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
me and the Superbowl rn
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse