By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
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I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
😅🤣😂
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.