Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
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Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.