TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.