I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
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Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.