My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
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Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.