I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
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“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert