Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Meanwhile in Portland…
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.