Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
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Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!