“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
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Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.