If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”