Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
You Might Also Like
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”