Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
You Might Also Like
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.