[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
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My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild