“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
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I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
marvel comics have peaked
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*