My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
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My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
the best thing i’ve ever made
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.