[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
absolute chaos
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas