me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Merry Christmas
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.