Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
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Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight