You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
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why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
still the best tweet of the year by far
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”