How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
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“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!