replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
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Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.