Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
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Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water