I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
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Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*