ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
You Might Also Like
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!