Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
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*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.