Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
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5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.