we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
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Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.