Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Come back with a warrant
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
In Canada they just call them geese
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before