My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
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I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Gods work.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.