Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
How to make infinite energy.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN