I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
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Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Two types of dogs.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Leaving the Barbers like
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.